Carry On Cruising
In days of yore (whatever a yore is or was) cruises were almost certainly run not just by pirate companies but by pirates themselves. Mostly they went to the Caribbean, and almost certainly only involved the payment of a single fare after the voyage – and that was forked out by your relatives. Advance booking was not required. All you needed to do was hang around on the deck of a cargo ship in the middle of the ocean and wait for the shot across the bows and the merry cheers of the pirate crew as they leapt on board.
Of course, in those simpler times, the delights of cruising were not as lavish and extensive as they are now, but you could still queue up on the first night of the voyage to shake the captain's hook. Compared to today, cabin accommodation was much more primitive and less spacious than you will find on any liner edging its way out of Southampton and trying not to bump into the Isle of Wight. Being 18 to a chain locker is not the standard of comfort most would wish for nowadays, but you certainly made close friends.
Though without shopping decks, theatres, Jane McDonalds and swimming pools, entertainment was readily available, even if sometimes compulsory. During the day there was shark tickling or skull-and-crossbone painting for the kiddies, deck-scrubbing for all ages, sail furling classes (mizzen to main grades) and plank-walking (if fine). Oakum-picking contests between groups of passengers were always a highlight, as was biscuit-tapping during the evening meal. And, following the lead given by the crew, every night was fancy dress night!
It was probably best to tuck the children up into the coil of rope before the piper called for his pipe and the fiddler his fiddle, as the songs of the time tended to feature dead men sitting on dead men's chests and bottles of rum, even though the youngsters would have enjoyed singing the 'yo-ho-ho' bit.
Swashbuckling was all the rage, and though it has never been easy to buckle a swash, with practice most passengers got the hang of it – unlike walking the plank, where you were never given the chance to develop your skills but just had the one attempt at the record for standing on the far end as the sea, ship and sky heaved all around you.
Then, as now, there were complaints. Ships didn't always sail to the best exotic destinations of your choice but would lurk in the remote bays of dull, flat islands. Your book-reading was frequently interrupted by cannonballs careering across the deck or cabin, fired from the guns of irritating naval frigates, who were picky about the minimum standard required by a member of the British merchant fleet. And the language you encountered, especially during a hurricane, was possibly a tad coarser than would ever have been used by any of your landed acquaintances back home.
