Fawlty Towers

Basil, put that magazine down and help me serve the dinner. Manuel can't cope tonight.

Won't be a moment, dear. Just filling in these little squares to make a pixelated picture.

Well, you ought to be filling guests' stomachs instead of wasting your life away on Hanjie.

Always have to be biological, don't you, Sybil?

I say Fawlty – done the Killer Sudoku yet?

Not yet, Major. I usually leave that to Sybil – she just gives them a look. Enough to kill anything.

Know the feeling. Why is Manuel sitting on the stairs, crying?

It's all down to one of those trashy magazines he insists on having delivered here.

Good grief! Not a crossword magazine?

Even worse – a wordsearch. Trouble is, he's just found 'Barcelona' in a grid of cities – to be avoided, I shouldn't wonder. So we'll get nothing but homesick tears all evening. Still, should fill up the soup bowls a bit.

Basil!

Sorry, can't help now, dear. Guests arriving. A curse I know, but just something we have to put up with. Yes, can I help you?

We'd like a room.

Wouldn't we all. Well, I suppose we must have some around somewhere. Can you solve Futoshiki puzzles at all?

No, never heard of them.

Well, that's the Japanese Suite out then. How are you on Labyrinths?

Oh, always get lost, I'm afraid.

OK, we'll forget the Luxury Penthouse Suite as well – you'll never find it. Mosaic?

No.

Roman Room off the list then. How about Slitherlinks?

Again, no.

Hmm, in that case, better cross off the Snake Pit as well. You're being particularly difficult, you know.

Look, we'd just like an ordinary room.

Ordinary room? What kind of dump do you think this is? Listen, we match each room to the characters of our customers. So the Grand Bridal Chamber is obviously out and, judging by the state of that outfit, madam, you'd best have the key to the laundry room.

Basil! Stop that nonsense. Good evening, madam, sir. Room seven is available. I'll show it to you. If you would care to step this way, Basil will bring your suitcase later.

Oh, no he won't. Basil will sling it in the dustbin where it belongs.

Err, could we order a morning paper?

No, sorry, don't do them. But you'll find a copy of Beyond Sudoku in your room and I'm sure, judging by the last pair of inhabitants, that most of the puzzles have not been done. Doubt if you'll do them either. Don't let their fascination make you late for breakfast. Served at 8.30 on the dot, provided chef has finished all the Kakuro. Speaking of which, I take it you can add up.

Maths was never a strong point for either of us.

Right, that's your bill sorted, then. Enjoy your stay!